Make It Make Sense

Wtf happened to the Justice League movie, Whedon?

Since it’s the beginning of allergy season, my youngest and I try to go out as little as possible. She looks like some red eyed, crying sad child and I’m her mother, the sneezing fool. Since the new “Justice League” movie was release and I’m adjusting to all sorts of fun allergy drugs, I figured, let’s give it a shot.

Now, I don’t have a problem with Snyder. Never did. Always thought he was a true fan of the stuff he was doing and added his own little twist to it. Big slo mo guns, bullet casings dropping in slow motion, colors like a dark LSD trip, high contrast filming…no problems. I came into this excited and concerned. Four hours is a long time to sit on the couch in the apocalypse, but I ordered pizza and we dug in.

This was an entirely different fucking movie. Joss Whedon has some explaining to do.

First off, I’m seeing more people of color. Like lots of PEOPLE. Like ones that should have been in the first one but didn’t make it. And I’m pissed. Turns out Ray Fisher was not blowing smoke out his ass. He should have just straight up said what he implied, but it’s done. Jason “I AM ALL MAN TO YOU MORTALS” Momoa was screaming the same from the mountain tops. I guess we needed to listen better.

Before I even start, let me just talk about this shit right here. Aquaman walks to the water and takes his sweater off. He drops it and does his swimming thing. What I want to talk about is this:

Yes, a man wore this sweater.

This chick picks up the sweater and inHALES the scent. She does not sniff, she burrows her fucking head into it and goes to town!

What a mighty mighty man wore this sweater.
Of all the aquatic gods…Aquaman why you put a hurt on me like this, boo? This sweater is your essence. The culmination of our love and you dropped it. I will suck the smell out and love you forever.

Then, she holds it close to her chest and sings with her whole body, “Lover!!! Come back to my bed!” Well, I don’t know what the fuck, I mean I don’t speak Icelandic but it was a song of sorrow and longing. Zach, you did us dirty with this. This chick made the whole movie and it’s only 5 minutes in.

And just like that, this article is about 80% straight up open and unabridged lust.

The Flash understands me. I mean, he wants the sweater too.
Cyborg is all, “I warned y’all about Aquaman, but y’all ain’t listen. Well, here’s more of my body because you didn’t get to see how pretty and shiny I was because WHEDON cut my shit out!”

Good ol Zach divided the movie into parts, which worked. But I’m tripping because in the Whedon verse, Wonder Woman was a hot chick in a skirt that saved the day. In the Snyderverse, she was a fucking Amazon warrior that called little girls “princess” and empowered them to believe they could be anything or anyone.

For real.

Then, we see Iris and a bunch of other people of color. I’m like where did they come from? What in the name of whitewashed khaki pants is happening here? This movie is giving love to all and Whedon turned it into Triumph of the Will or some shit. I’m being extreme, but you get it.

Yeah, I get it. I was cut from the film too. And I became another version of the Atom! And my boss was a smart black man, so what’s up?

Bring me all the smoke, people. Whedon has had his little hands in so many franchises that have the same type of set up, that he’s just making and remaking the same movie over and over. Maybe he was tired. Maybe some old industry executives wanted him to rush this shit out. But cutting out main characters with heavy redemption arcs that drive the force of the movie is like giving me a Big Mac without the bread. I look in the box like, “What the hell is this mess?”

Y’all. Make it make sense for me. I really want to beat the shit out of Whedon, but who am I? I’m just some comic book fan that’s been immersed in this shit since I was 10. Falling in love with Storm. Living the love affair of Starfire and Nightwing. Wishing I had powers like Blackfire. Wanting to conjure like Constantine or live in the alternate universe with Batman versus Superman. But to Whedon, I am expendable. My skin is the color of cutting out of movies and I’m pretty upset about it. He’s not gonna read this, so fuck this dude. Seriously.

Don’t even get me started on how the last parts were completely different films…Wonder Woman was straight up savage! Like oh, you think you need that head after you insulted my sisters and my island? Suck on this and tell Darkseid that I said, “Ya mama! Bitch!”

I’m gonna save my open and unabridged lust for the Amazons for my next post. I mean, the bodies on these women. Touch me in the morning and walk away. I’m on my way to Thermyscara and I ain’t even gay. It’s like, “Teach me to serve you. Goddess, I will follow you into hell and back.”

Okay, I’m getting riled up and I need to make more cocoa. I need good dreams tonight but I really need for somebody to make it make sense. I mean does Whedon not like black folks or any pocs? Hell, we even got an Amazon AND Atlantean backstory! Child, if I could, I’d burn this Whedon shit.

And one more thing, they only added five minutes of new footage and took all that Whedon shit out. Lord have mercy. Either Zach is the man or Whedon just needs to go sit in a corner and write an essay about his colossal turd of a movie. Even when I saw it at the show, I was like, “If this were cheese, it would be Veveta.” Processed cheese food people!

Help me make it make sense because this was so straight up foolery on Whedon. Don’t come around here, man. Just stay away from Northeast DC. I got no chill for your punk ass.


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