Spiral: Saw-A Half Assed Review for a Half Assed Movie

Friday night and I’m sitting at home. Do I want to work on my paper for my Mythology class or watch the Simpsons? I decided to watch “Spiral”, which is a new chapter in the Saw book but not really.

I know you’re waiting for it. Here’s my review:

This was the type of movie that started really good and then made me question what the hell was going on. Chris Rock looked like he was on the cusp of breaking into hysterics. Sam Jackson looked like he just finished laughing. And everyone was really sweaty. Like sweaty all the time. Like this guy. Super sweaty.

We find out about some corrupt cops and the new Jigsaw wants to get rid of them. He wants Chris Rock’s character to help him because he was the snitch that lead blah blah blah….basically he dimed on someone and no cop likes him. But-EVERY COP IS CORRUPT!

They have to figure out what’s happening to the corrupt cops. The torture machines were something that cut out a guys tongue (because he testified and lied), something that ripped of a guys fingers and something that exsanguinate someone. Yeah, that’s my big word of the day. (I forgot about the spine cutting slash hot wax on the face torture as well. Oh and the glass flying into the back torture, which was strange because I really didn’t think having tiny shards of glass flying into your back would kill you. And, here we are.)

It’s not that it was a boring movie, it kept me on the edge of my seat. It was just kinda laissez faire, if I may drop some French in here. The flashbacks were good because they let us see what the bad cops did, but they were kinda dropped in from nowhere. Chris would stare off into the distance and then boing! flashback. How did you know? Sam had a mustache when he was Chief of Police. Chris had a scraggly goatee as compared to his man Van Gogh now. I think that’s what it’s called. I don’t even know how else they could have done the flashbacks, but I felt like this was all a little out of element.

Chris Rock was making fun of Forrest Gump in the beginning. Cracking wise and then you look and there’s Bubba’s best friend in a role in the movie. Or when he cracks on “New Jack City” and all I thought of was him as Pookie, smoking that rock. Below we have an image of “serious” Chris Rock. He’s a Detective that cracks wise all movie.

What else…what else…I have to say that when it was over, there was space for a sequel. They could keep it going, but it turns into a whole revenge saga.

I’m a sucker though. I don’t think I gave too much away. I mean, when sequels come out, I am all in. I own every Saw movie, even though I haven’t watched them.

Oh! One thing that kinda pissed me off. Stop making shit about race! I’m watching a MOVIE. Not a MOVIE WITH A BLACK GUY AND A WHITE GUY. There was some internet hate about the outcome of this movie and it had to do with race. When did we become this society that judges everything on how many black people are in it or how many make it to the end? I know I bitch about race a lot, but jeez, you guys are taking the fun out of everything. I’m watching Chris Rock. You’re watching a Black Man. I see Max Minghella. You see a White Guy. Really? I’m tired of this. Folks gotta stop testing me. I’m not here for none of that.

Either way, I can say that this movie, will no doubt have a drinking game because of…well, because of everything. Drink when the goatee change. Drink for the torture scene. Drink for how many times Sam says “Motherfu–” you get it.

Don’t forget to drink every time you see a pig. I guarantee you’ll be drunk pretty quick.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s